Hide Away

I’d like to wear a different face today
Since you won’t take the hint
And stay away,
But hound me with persistent cares:
“Do this!”
“Do that!”
“Go here…
No, there!”
You barely give me leave to breath,
And grant me no reprieve;
Your voice always inside my head,
Even when I’m in my bed,
Under covers pulled up tight,
Against the whining, biting night.
So for today I’m someone else,
Normal me left on the shelf.
The mask I wear is just for you.
You won’t see me.
But I’ll see you.

mask

Quiet Space

I am changed
In the rain,
With the warm pregnant drops
Hitting my face,
Sitting inside of the space
So quiet and holy.

And I’m changed
In the sun,
With the thick liquid rays
Melting my fears,
Trusting that in the pain
You’ll dry my tears.

And I’m healed
In the breeze,
With the warm gentle winds
Kissing my knees,
Sitting inside of this space
So silent and holy.

A Cruel Paradox

The cruel paradox of depression is that you want to hide away until you feel better. But you cannot feel better while you hide away.

Don’t give up the fight.
Don’t give up the fight.
Wake with rising sun at dawn.
Put some real clothes on.
Meet with friends old and new.
Let them speak the truth to you.
Wash your face. Eat a meal,
No matter what you feel.
Don’t look back, straight ahead.
No more prisoner to your bed.
Two steps foward. One step back.
Don’t get lost in the black.
One little step toward the light.
Don’t give up the fight.

I Did Not Know

If I knew then, what I know now,
I hope I would behave
In such a different manner
As to not be sorrow’s slave.

Could I re-do those long hard months
I hope I’d see a little
Clearer than I did back then
Without my heart so bitter.

If I knew then, what I know now,
I’d do it all again.
But the only reason I know now,
Is that I did not know it then.

the walls they are a’crumbling

the heart is like a garden
with crumbling ruined walls,
which only bravest friends will scale.
the rest won’t try to climb at all.
foundation goes down very deep
and is the stronghold laid.
ascent itself is very steep
and slick with tangled vines is made.

there is a tree at center
with berries very sweet;
but this is not forbidden fruit.
it’s been grown for me to eat.
this garden has lain wasted
for far too many years.
its yield has not been tasted
But drenched with selfish pitying tears.

i  fancied myself hiding
behind the garden wall.
i fancied myself hiding.
that’s not the case at all.
i will climb these walls.
or bust them down myself.
for I was made to see inside,
not stand outside myself.

for Pastor Scott P. and all of your wisdom

Lonely Ones

Lonely ones…don’t fret.
There are lovely things ahead.
The sun that is in hiding now
Will come again after the snow
And all the dreamy heavy rains,
That cause us weeping in our pains.
Give yourself a good night’s sleep
And rouse yourself from dreaming deep.
Rise up to meet emerging dawn,
No matter what may come.
Lonely ones, please don’t cry.
You’ve daydreams in the sky.

dedicated to D for making sure I am never lonely, even when I want to hide

Elephant in the Corner

Bitter tears splash my face.
I hate to sit inside this space.
You let me share my secrets dark
And now I face regret that’s stark,
Compared to what I thought I knew.
You shared a version that’s not you.
How could this happen? How could I
Not the see the truth through the lie,
That I could trust you as a friend,
When all that time you hid a fiend?
I am not allowed to say or tell
The things I really think or feel
Because the truth you cannot take
And act as if you’re on the brink,
And one small push will tip you over.
Now I have to call you brother?
I’ve been disloyal to myself
And placed my past upon a shelf
Hoping that it was not true:
That you’re not really you.