I would not survive a zombie apocalypse.

I love zombie movies. I mean, I loooooove them.

Then why don’t I marry one? Maybe I will, so shut up.

I have always had a somewhat morbid imagination.  As a child, after watching an episode of Unsolved Mysteries (which by the way is way more terrifying than any zombie movie and which I still refuse to watch), I became convinced that I would be murdered in my home. I took it as a given; it was only a matter of when and how.  I came up with a plan for how to defend myself in any room in my house relying only on improvisation and pure adrenaline:

The hallway – my old-fashioned red-painted gumball machine that stands about 3 feet high.
The bathroom – the back of the toilet tank.
The kitchen – knives, spatula, and cast-iron frying pan.
My bedroom – lamps. And a flat-iron, but only if it’s been plugged in.

I think my love of zombies stems from my irrational fear of being murdered but also from my irrational belief that I am STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND!! Zombie movies feed my fear of death and dismemberment but also my firm delusion that I am stronger than I really am. If I’m feeling generous towards myself, I say that it’s because they remind me of my own mortality. All of that aside, there is just something grotesquely awesome about seeing the dead and decomposing walking about. My parents are fully aware of “My Plans” and bought me this book for my birthday a few years ago.  I mean, it’s no The Zombie Survival Guide but I am sure some of the methods could be used to fight the undead:

books

Then last summer, all of my bravado came crashing down. I was watching the children of some close friends and it was a beeaautiful day!  We went outside to use the trampoline. I was calmly reading (unfortunately neither of the books previously mentioned) when I was attacked. One ambushed me from behind and wrapped her crazy, skinny, little arms around my neck. The other proceeded to try to tickle me. At first it was all fun and games, then I started to freak a bit. Like that feeling when you’re holding a butterfly and you think “Ohhhhhh, it’s so pretty!” Then you realize, “Wait, what the H am I doing?? This is just a caterpillar! that can fly at my face! get off! GET! OFF!” So I tried to fight them off.  And I realized that these kids are strong, like crazy strong.  Little boy was attempting to pile drive me, and I literally had to palm his entire face to toss him across the trampoline (for any potential employers, particularly in the area of child-care, he was totally fine, and this is not a regular activity).  But they just kept coming. Wave after wave of tickle madness, a blur of arms and legs, and manic, bugged out little eyes. Keep in mind that these are little children. Four and seven to be precise. I came to the awful and heartbreaking realization that I could not fight them off. My only hope was to surrender and face the follow-up question of “Why are you so weak?”

I knew in one soul crushing instant that I would not survive a zombie apocalypse. I would not be the chick, hiding in the basement, hoarding all the weapons. I would not be the wily one, who can lose them in the woods. I would not be the brave one on the rooftop surrounded by zombie-traps and barbed wire. Regardless of how many “How long would you survive a zombie apocalypse” quizzes I take on Facebook, I would be one of the first to die. I will find the world’s best blanket, tuck in for a nap and wait for the end. Is that morbid? I’ll give myself a little credit and say I might survive. As long as I don’t have to face the zombies on a trampoline.

photo_1364270520-1317780109

“Don’t say that!”  “What?”  That!  “What?”  The zed-word. Don’t say it!”  “Why not?”  Because it’s ridiculous!”

* For those who also LOVE Zombie movies, Zombie TV and Zombie books, check out my favs:

28 Days Later
(the not quite as good) 28 Weeks Later
Shaun of the Dead
The Cabin in the Woods
Planet Terror
[●REC]
[●REC]2
[●REC]3 Génesis – only enjoyable if you can view this as a comedy (which it was not intended to be); not consistent with the overall vibe of the first two, but ridiculous enough to be pretty darn hilarious
The Crazies
I am Legend
Zombieland
40 Days of Night – I’m thoroughly aware that this is a vampire movie, however those vamps are so terrifying I am convinced they must be a malevolent zombie-vampire hybrid: “vampies” if you will
The Walking Dead  – duh.
Game of Thrones (book series)

Looking forward to seeing:
Warm Bodies
The Evil Dead (2013)

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2 thoughts on “I would not survive a zombie apocalypse.

  1. This is a amazing article, thanks for Writing it, I adore Zombies too! I even made my own site about them, you should check it out if you have the time! Surviving the zombie apocalypse Zombie crossroads

  2. […] (although apparently I have some trouble with even the little ones if I’m trapped on a trampoline). I was stressing out over not being able to relate to teenage life and that I have apparently […]

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