Zombies

I am a freak magnet.  So far I have failed to pinpoint why, but I have an uncanny ability to attract the freaks no matter where I go.  School, work, gas station, super market. Everywhere.  Maybe it’s because it takes me a split second longer than it takes most people to realize that something is wrong; that there is a very good reason the strange old man is not only by himself but talking to himself.  The other day I met this guy in the super market:

He was with his wife, sister, nurse, what have you, and she stepped away for a minute.  I was looking at frozen waffles in the refrigerated section when it happened.  He spoke.  “I was supposed to do something but now I don’t remember.”

At first I thought he might have had me confused with his patron and just kept shopping.

Then it began. “Excuse me.”
“Excuse me.”
“Excuse me.”
“Excuse me.”
“Excuse me.”

So I tried to slip away and he followed me.  Thankfully he was slower than me, but as I tried to escape, I slipped out of my moccasin.  The faster I tried to put it back on, the more it refused.

“Excuse me!”
“Excuse me!”

I felt like I was in a horror movie and the slowly moving dimwitted zombie was approaching faster than I could run.  This time I got away unscathed but I haven’t always been so fortunate.  Like the time the elderly woman told me “You’re a real snappy dresser, you know that?”  (although I actually kind of liked that one) or the gas station attendant who wanted to take me dancing.  Or the middle aged man in Wendy’s who jabbed his finger at the tattoo on the back of my neck and asked me “What gives you the right to wear that Scripture?  I bet you didn’t even know anyone who was killed in the Lockerbie Bombing.”  Nope, I don’t but why again are you touching my neck weirdo?

No matter how many “How long would you last in a zombie apocalypse?” quizzes I take on Facebook, clearly I would die early.  I would probably try to engage the zombies in some meaningful conversation while they were eating my brains.  Note to self:  invest in better footwear that promotes a speedy getaway.

 

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One thought on “Zombies

  1. Although I am sympathetic to your plight, It’s good to know I’m not alone in this! 😉

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